Wednesday, October 06, 2010

A Side Note of Nothingness

I don't understand...

Tuesday morning, I called first thing to set up the appointment for Julien with the orthopedist. Right after I made the appointment, I checked the physicians ratings and when I realized that he had an 82% satisfaction rating, I decided I would find a different physician.
(yes...I do check out a physicians rating, feedback and credentials before I see them)

A friend made a telephone call and got the name of a physician for us to see...that included a bit of name dropping to help us along. As my friend was handing me the sticky note with the information on it, she told me that the physician was located at the same hospital where Monkey was born.

I have no idea what happened, other than I suddenly felt incredibly sick to my stomach. It was one of those moments where I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest. In my hand was the telephone number to a fabulous physician for my child...and I couldn't handle the thought of having to go to that hospital in order to see that physician.

I couldn't do it.
As much as it bothered me to brush aside the effort of a friend, I physically and emotionally could not handle it.

I am so much stronger than that.

I have been back to that hospital - once for Monkey, once for Me and once for my dear friend.
I thought I was past whatever emotions I have tied to that hospital, but apparently not. I felt crushed that I couldn't move past those emotions and felt that I should have been able to do that to see a physician for Julien - but I couldn't and I didn't.
I'm a little surprised at myself.


Angela said...

I tottally unterstand! We "lived" at the local children's hospital for the entire month of June. We have several appointments for specialists coming up there, and my stomack is in knots.

Hunter said...

Wow we relate in so many ways! The hospital that Hunter was born at I can't even bare to look at it as we drive past it to go to his Children's hospital. My freind is getting ready to have her baby there and she asked me if I was going to go see here and her baby, but I just can't do it. I know this is selfish but I will see her normal baby in the hospital in the room with her and not in the NICU, that everything was suppose to be fine in but defintly was not. I know that this is wrong of me but I also find myself not wanting to go to stores b/c I see other moms with there kids doing things that Hunter should be doing but he is not and it hurts to see that. Maybe one day I will get over this but it is to hard right now! The hurt is still very there! Stick to what makes you feel comfortable!
I think of you and your family often, maybe one day we will be able to meet!