Sunday, October 02, 2011

Freak Show

Every Mother thinks their baby is the most beautiful in the world.

That is why there are many days when I see only the face of an angel when I look at my daughter.
What others see when they look at her, I don't know.
What I do know is that the looks that burrow their way into my heart make me into a person that I don't like to be.
I don't understand why we have to be subject to the asinine stares and why people treat my sweet Baby Girl as if she has the plague.

I was so ashamed of myself today.
On this perfectly beautiful day, we took Addie to the park.
She was crying as soon as we put her into the car and cried all the way to the park.
When we got out of the car, she was still crying despite my best efforts to show her where we were and my best effort to tell her that she would have so much fun on the slide.

On this perfectly beautiful day, the park was packed full of people.
It was "our" park in our little town and I knew that we would see person after person that we know.

I couldn't take it.

I picked Addie up and put her back into the car...and we left.
On the way back home, I had to fight back the tears because I immediately thought of my sister and so many other parents who would have traded the world for that moment.
That moment just to have their child there with them, regardless of the public spectacle that was taking place.

I couldn't take it because it's not just the looks that we get when Addie is crying, it is the stares.
The stares that make me want to have a tantrum of my own.
A tantrum where I get to lose my composure and tell them to stop - to stop looking at my angel in - that way - that makes me so full of rage.
I don't get to do that because I'm the one that is supposed to be so full of grace.

My baby has the sweetest spirit, the kindest heart and the bluest eyes and I hate it that people find her worth so much less than other children because she struggles in each aspect of her day - every day.

Another reason we left the park is because I had an image flash before me.
An image that made me want to run and never look back.
An image that I ran across in a book that Julien bought at the Book Fair two years back.
An image that I thought was going to make me throw up as soon as I saw it.
I swear the world stopped when my eyes saw that picture.

It was an image that made my heart ache.
It made my heart ache because all I could think about is how these people had no value in the eyes of this world.
They were simply a source of entertainment; a circus side show - a freak show.
It has taken me two years to share this picture.
The visual imprint it left on my mind, has been mine alone, until now.

The article that goes along with the picture was absolutely thrilling to read and so not worth posting.

So, in my moment of grief today, I just wanted to run and take my sweet Baby Girl with me and to protect her... and me.
If I charged someone each time they stopped to stare at us we would have enough money to pay for orthotics, braces and therapy for my baby for the rest of her life
and would have enough left over
to move to a private little resort
where my baby could play in her own private little park and throw tantrums and we would never have to worry with being judged.

Just for the record.
I do have the most beautiful baby girl in the world
not only do I thank our God for allowing me to be her Mother,
but given the chance to do it all over again -
I would-
a million times over.


Shellie said...

Miss Addie is perfect in every way - its those other people with the problem. Keep your head up and your beautiful smile on your face. You and your Addie are amazing people!

Anonymous said...

Addie is beautiful!! and so adored by those of us that read this blog daily!

Carol Noe said...

I have never met you or Sweet Addie but pray that one day I simply meet you on the street, in Walmart, or some other "ordinary" place. I will introduce myself as one of her (and your) BIGGEST FANS, and would consider it an honor and a blessing just to see her precious, smiling face! How very special you must feel to know that God entrusted such a Treasure to your care. Love you, Sweet Addie!

Isaacson's said...

thinking about you!

Nicole said...

Addie is so beautiful!!

jennohara said...

Alright alright, these are the times I wish I could wrap you in a giant hug! I wish I could express somehow how honoured I am to have met Addie - and her amazing family.
She is amazing, and you know more than anyone how blessed you truly are to have the honour of being the mother to such a special little girl. If people can't see that, they have a serious problem, and they dont matter anyway.

Hugs to you, and kisses for that sweet girl!

Jake and Emmie said...

Addie is absolutely beautiful and her precious smile could light up any room. I feel more than honored that I had the opportunity to meet your amazing little girl in person. I am sorry that you have to put up with the stares of ignorant people! Just know that there are so many people out here who adore sweet Addie and pray for you guys every day! You are an amazing family!

Jenn.....crazy Target girl =)

Anonymous said...

I once had the precious honor to take my dear friend, who was living with a brain tumor, to the Galleria so that I could help her shop for her daughter. She had a wheelchair for mobility by this time, which I'd never pushed a wheelchair before in my life. I was so happy to spend the day with her, however, I received so many "sad" looks from people. It gave me a glimpse of what she probably was also seeing, hearing, feeling. I am so thankful to have had that time with her and was so proud to be guiding that wheelchair.

Folks just don't realize how hurtful they can be. I thought people in "our" town all were a little bit more caring.

Love and hugs to all of your family!! Susan W.