Friday, April 08, 2011

Let's Talk TMI...

Let's talk public restrooms and internal organs.

August 9, 2006, I stood in the hallway at work talking to two amazing women, telling them the news that the alien jackrabbit that resided within my womb was
- a girl.
Not long after those words came out of my mouth, I proceeded to tell them that I had no idea what I was going to do with her when it was time for her to use a public restroom.
I worried over my germaphobe issues and how that would impact my sanity when it came time to take my precious baby girl into a public restroom.

I would like to take a moment to tell you all that I survived it tonight. 
I was so totally lucky that we were in a remarkably clean, clean restroom (thank you dear neighbors of ours for having a restaurant with clean restrooms - bless you). 

First off, I thought the stupid automatic flush on the potty was going to terrify Addie, but when it flushed the first time, she looked to me for the appropriate reaction and I made a big deal about how "funny the potty is", so she laughed....and laughed again when it flushed....and then again when it flushed....and....since I don't carry a pack of sticky notes around in my microcephaly awareness thong, I grabbed a paper towel and draped it over the stupid sensor to make it stop.

Next, I don't think Addie really grasps the whole public restroom thing. 
The first time the door opened, she asked me if it was "Daddy?". 
I was talking to her trying to explain to her that everybody gets a turn using the restroom, when she heard the stall door next to us open and then saw -

the shoes.

Yes, the first lady had on sparkly wedge shoes, which caught Addie's attention and as the seconds ticked by, we had to "talk" about the sparkly shoes. 
We had to talk about how the shoes were white and sparkly and strappy and pretty and that Addie had sparkly pretty pink shoes and sparkly pretty red shoes....

and, then that lady was gone.
Addie looked at me in a moment of sincere confusion because she wasn't done talking about the darn sparkly shoes.

Apparently, there was a line because next came a pair of black opened toed wedge shoes with toenails painted black. 
Addie looked at me....so, we had to talk about the black shoes....and the black nail polish.

Those shoes left and next came black crochet flats....so, Addie tried her best to figure out just who those belonged to...those were followed by flip-flops....

and heaven help me

by that time my thighs were on fire from squatting down in front of her, balancing her on the potty and silently praying that she didn't fall in or decide to touch anything that would make my skin crawl.

Before it was all over with, Addie had touched
the potty seat,
the wall,
the hinge on the stall door,
the stall door
 and
was just about to put her hands on the floor so that she could lean over to look under the stall door when I think I had a mild mental breakdown.

After scrubbing her hands, we made our way out....and realized that my husband and son had ditched us and had walked outside to sit in the cool evening air and people watch.

I am so glad they were able to relax and unwind from the day.
Really.
Had I known about the detour to the restroom,
I would have been happy to buy Chris a beer and Julien a nice cold glass of tea so they could sit even more comfortably in the cool night air and enjoy the serene beauty of their surroundings.

I'm just going to have to hire a Nanny to follow us around so that she can take Addie to the restroom when we are in public....either that, or I'm wearing a hazmat suit. 

On the way home from said survivor moment, I really needed something that resembled quiet.

I was sitting thinking about how I would remove my kidney and give it to Addie to play her own rendition of  "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling" on her new modified bagpipe,

anything
to
prevent
another
migraine.

Instead, I gave her the Garmin.

Julien had his iTouch and so Addie seems to think that the Garmin is equivalent. 

I
have
no
shame

After I placed the Garmin into Addie's hands, she was so happy and proud of all the buttons she was pushing and the response from Miss Garmin Peacemaker, because the tone in the car was lighter and happier.

When we arrived home, Addie was thrilled to show me what she had been working on....and apparently we had made a wrong turn because we were still 6 hours and 40 minutes from our destination:



Hey...we're willing to try new places.

4 comments:

Shellie said...

This post was hilarious! I hope y'all have a good weekend!

Granna said...

but aren't we thankful that Addie can go to the potty!

Nicole said...

How funny!! I LOVE that she is a shoe guru! (and apparently has a future in navigation!)

jennohara said...

Doncha HATE those stupid flush sensors!?
Sounds like quite the adventure.
I can picture her checking out all the shoes coming in. Too funny!