Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Tone? What tone?

Apparently, I ticked off the God's of Grace and Professionalism today.
If there ever was a "go figure" day, it was today.
Let me see if I can sum this up...please remember, Grace has somehow managed to hide today...she was replaced by the God of Brattitude, the God of Incredible Heat and the God of Uncomfortable High Heels.
I went to "sleep" after midnight.
I woke at 4:00 a.m.
I had to leave the house by 6:30.
In my rush to get Julien up, Addie ready and still make my 6:30 deadline, I managed to chip a nail while putting on my pantyhose...which put a run in my pantyhose. I tossed those aside, ran downstairs, repaired my nail, ran back upstairs into the closet, grabbed new pantyhose and the first box of heels that I saw.
In all of my grace, I dropped the box on the floor, grabbed the shoes (no need to pick the box up, trust me, it would still be in the exact same place when I returned home) and didn't realize the reason why I hadn't worn the shoes in over a year until I was walking into daycare.
They hurt my feet...bad.
I gave Addie lovins' and out the door I went to my 8:00 doctor's appointment.
I just love my doctor to pieces! We were just chatting away and talking details of her upcoming wedding when she suddenly gasped. Out of her mouth, came the words - "there's a spider". I didn't ask for an explanation, out of the chair I came and gracefully helped her catch the spider by standing on the other side of the room, hands clinched tightly at my chest.
This spider was huge, at least 8 feet tall and as big as a baby giraffe!
Put two girls in a confined room with a spider on steroids and it becomes quite comical.
Unfortunately, I had to stop all the girl talk because I was on the verge of being late to pick Addie up...
for her two-year check-up.
For which we are six-months overdue.
I managed to find the most convenient parking spot at the top of the hill, the farthest from the front door. I was so relieved at that moment that I was wearing my most comfortable high heels, because of the pure grace that I showed as I clumsily walked down the hill, around the building to the front door, carrying a bag full of time occupiers and a 24 pound Monkey.
I finally decided halfway through the visit that I would rather be having my uterus examined with a magnifying glass and tweezers as opposed to sitting in this room trying my best to keep the tears at bay, hold something that resembled an intelligent conversation and remember everything that I needed to talk to Dr. Dudgeon about. Which of course I didn't remember everything, until I left and was turning onto Highway 31.
These well child visits are draining no matter how I try to deny the reality of it...kind of like me trying to deny the size of my post second baby thighs.
The truth just manages to creep right on in.
I don't know what it was about this visit. I was snarky, had no grace and found myself using a "tone" that would make my Mother's eye twitch had she heard it. Sometimes I just want everybody to understand my reasoning and my thinking, although it may not appear rational.
I know Addie's condition is so very rare and I know I am blessed beyond words, but every once in a while, I want to feel like I'm not trying to convince someone else of Addie's ability. I can't just answer "yes" or "no" without trying to give an example or explanation.
I want, no...I crave acceptance of Addie.
No grace, no professionalism. Today was hard with no fault to anyone else.
I'm allowed those days. Today just wasn't a good day for it.
Addie got ONE shot.
She wanted to sit in the big seat for me to take her picture, but we had to go. I collected our things, managed to smile politely to the nurses on the way out, thanked them for Addie's sticker and we took a very long time walking to our car.
I held Addie's little hand as she walked ever so slowly out the door. We stopped to pick baby up when she dropped her, we stopped to look at the baby going by and we stopped to look at the leaves. Addie-pa-tattie was so tired from walking and just stopped. It was my turn to help her. Up the hill we went, dropping Addie's sticker on the way. I didn't have the grace to go back and get it for her. I just wanted to get to the car so I could cry in private. Good for me for composing myself, because the tears never fell, because I'm "not a crier".
Minute by minute, day by day. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I took Monkey back to school - a little story and pictures to follow later.
I went to work. I worked until I realized I was going to be late for therapy.
Back to daycare to pick Addie up. Back across another parking lot in my favorite high heels in the scorching sun in my dress not made of cotton. No, no moisture wicking capabilities built into my dress.
Off to therapy we go. Up the stairs in my favorite high heels and cotton-less dress.
Addie did so well at therapy today. I heard her say "hat".
We are working ever so hard to teach Addie to sign "help". She gets so frustrated when she can't talk to us and I really think that once she understands "help", her frustration level will decline.
My sweet Addie sat in the big girl chair and looked at a book while we waited for her therapist.
What a sweet, beautiful little girl I have been blessed with.
May she always be blessed by the God's of Grace and the God's of Beauty and most importantly of all...
by our giving, gracious GOD - the giver and provider of all.